You too can recreate your own long distance cycle ride experience without even leaving good old Blighty!


1) Don’t shave, ever.

2) Wash infrequently and only with water-preferably dirty-never use soap.

3) Get up at 6 every morning and pack your entire flat/room/house into three bags.

4) Tie these bags to your bike and cycle around wearing all the clothes you own whilst holding a hair dryer on full heat in front of your face.

5) In order to rehydrate you can only use the water that you've previously infrequently washed in.

6) Find two stones. One large and flat and one small and pointy. Put these in different points of your bed every night.

7) Speak only to people you don't know and in a language you don’t understand.

8) Eat only noodles and bread. Cook the noodles in the same pan every night and don't wash it, ever.

9) Lose things. Sunglasses, waterproofs, whatever as long as it makes your journey easier then it's OK to lose.

10) Wear clothes that give you comedy tan lines and get crap songs stuck in your head. E.g. the theme tune from The Nessies or anything by Aqua.